Hating to the max

You just cant imagine that i hate to the max. Just like a gas, without any concrete shape character to follow. I find there is nothing attractive, blinds.

Sorry, my dear heart

Dear heart:
I am terribly sorry again. This time, i got to turn you down again. Because we can nbever fight over with the cruel reality. The reality when we put on our mask everyday, the reality that we got to be responsible for our lives, people who love us and we love. So, this time round, i just hope to make every warning in advance with the hope that there is lesser disappointment to be felt in the end. I truely understand that this is not a pleasant feeling especially towards the end of the time, however, it is just part of our lives where everyone or rather somehow got to face it in one way or another. The failure for acceptance is not your fault, is partly of who you us. Forgive and forget, take it as part of your growth. Even if you never follows your heart, or you never been trueful to your dear heart, just let it be. Because at this point of time, i would still believe that somehow in one stage of your life you would appreciate what i have done to you. Even if you think otherwise, just forgive and smile at me. Trust me, i am not doing this for my own good, rather, i always give you what i believe is the best for you. And i am always here to wait for your appreciation and your heartfelt thank you.

Ps: Yes, i do acknowledge that life is pushing hard on us, but we got to move on, take it as part of the revolution. Also, thanks to A who had been expressively supportable to my learning and growing journey to a better person for tomorrow.
Heart, sorry.

I miss C

It seems though, just takes me to wonder how much i missed teacher. I dreamed of having the same kind of lessons, the same classroom, the same surroundings around me. Yet, when i am awake, everything has gone. It is no longer a shared memory, rather, i has become a story a dream of my own. In daylight, i always believe that C misses me more than i do,but maybe that seems wrong. I craved for the same old caring, the warmth. In the mean time, maybe C sensed that there would no longer be any reach from me. But on my side, i am just protecting myself. Right now, C would be having lessons, with the rest, the ones like were so much like me.

The 2 unspoken sorries

There are always something i felt sorry for, for what i have done to the two of them especially. I tried to hide my feelings yet that hurt both of them as well as myself. I believe i was just such a rude person, one who take things at personal self interest. I just ignored them when i felt there was a need to, or rather, my mood felt like so. But with their blinking eyes and hopes to just say a "hi" to me. I just ignored them. I am terribly sorry to them. I just hope that they would still feel in one way or another that my hearts were with them, my heart cared, realized their presence or indeed very crucial presence in my life. Without them, i could not felt i was loved, i was cared for in some ways. Yet my mental struggle had ruined all of it. I don't know why i did it until months later i read a book that says: I express low self esteem, i remarks that the presence of an opposite sex would made me just feel uneasy. That's why. Glad to the book, i understood where my problems are, yet, the two of them no longer to be seen. They are just so well in the army. At least i hope so. I hope they will not have a hard time in their trainings. It is needless to say that separation always make the heart tear, the truth is that i will not be able to see them anymore. At last, there were not even a smile goodbye. Left them, it takes me wonder sometimes how important they were in my life,they ought to think i was such a weirdo. Just hope that my sweetness and gentleness remained in their hearts but not those things. Somehow i felt like to contact them, but this would only make me to become such a weirdo. Hope to see them really.

R&S,i am sorry. I love you guys.